Don't change your values to please a boyfriend or girlfriend

---

Tweet I feel like all too often, women forget there are billions of men in the world.

Literally, men are everywhere. We can meet them at the grocery store, the gym, the bar, even on the street. But more often than not, we end up in lackluster relationships that force us to change ourselves just for the prospect of love.

We all have personal rules. Some of us vow to never get back together with a cheater, some of us refuse to date a smoker.

And, really, there's nothing wrong with having those rules. But for some unknown reason, we end up practically murdering ourselves just to please some penis-bearer.

We make personal rules because we all have boundaries. Those boundaries define who we are, and when we break them, we lose a little bit of our own identity. By molding ourselves into some "ideal" girlfriend for another guy, we end up changing our personalities just to make one guy happy. Which brings me back to the "billions of men" statement.

Relationships shouldn't revolve around pleasing the other person. Instead, it should be about finding the person who you please while being yourself. This guy will undoubtedly be more fun, more charming and much less work.

Breaking your personal rules in a relationship is like watching "Sex and The City" on TBS. It's nothing like HBO. There's no swearing or nudity. Essentially, when you change for a man, you become the censored, network version of yourself. Gross.

If you have a certain bad habit that doesn't affect the other half of your relationship, it really isn't pertinent that you change it. Say you like to have a Starbucks venti vanilla latte every morning. For some reason, your significant other isn't too fond of that habit - "You spent $4 on a cup of coffee again?" Sure, it's a cup of coffee, but remind the person that their onion bagel morning breath is a lot worse than you spending $4 (then, buy them some Altoids).

You're 50 percent of the relationship. If your 50 percent ends up exponentially decreasing, speak to your lover about it. If he expects you to make these changes, it's a pretty good sign he isn't in the relationship for you - but himself.

Which brings me to another topic: You. Sometimes, it's OK to be selfish. Relationships are work. In the transition from singledom to ball and chain, our time and energy ends up careening to our partner, leaving little time for ourselves. By staying true to ourselves, we can kill two birds with one stone - by being girlfriends and individuals.

But don't go too crazy being selfish. If you're overly obsessed with yourself, it's pointless to be in a relationship at all.

If you ask your significant other to break his rules, it's expected you'll have to as well.

However, there's a difference between breaking your personal rules and compromising. If your lover is changing his personal rules to be with you, don't argue a little change in yourself.

But after a while, all that change can become exhausting. Unless you're 110 percent sure this person is "The One," pack your bags. The effort you put into changing yourself is far more exhausting than the search to find a new boyfriend.

Like the dog that was attacked by a porcupine, some guys will push your buttons until you give them what they want.

If, for some reason, your boyfriend is preoccupied with trying anal sex with you, give him an alternative.

There are plenty of gay men in the Lansing area who would be willing to give him a try.

Then, find a new man (hopefully this time without an ass fixation).

When she's not reading the latest issue of Cosmo, Thea Neal can be reached at nealthea@msu.edu.

---