Agreement necessary for 'S&M' behavior

Dr. D,

My girlfriend wants to spice up our sex life by trying some S&M and role playing. I’m not sure how comfortable I am with that. Is it a normal thing to try?

— Am I a prude?

Dear AIAP,

Nothing like a question about “S&M” to spice up my afternoon. Let’s “whip” this one out.

Let’s first define what we are talking about. S&M, or sadomasochism, is a combination of two words. Sadism, which means the enjoyment of being cruel or inflicting physical, mental or emotional pain.

Masochism is gratification from pain, deprivation or degradation being inflicted upon someone.

The terms are used in a sexual context to denote those behaviors in which one or both partners become sexually excited or gratified by the action, either as a giver or a receiver.

S&M behaviors can be practiced without engaging in any sexual behaviors. The list of behaviors practiced is long but can include anything from “light spanking” and “bondage” to acting out fantasies or roles.

Role playing, as part of S&M, is to experiment with or experience a situation or viewpoint by playing a role.

There are varying degrees of S&M and role playing. In some scenarios you may be the “dominant” one and in others you may act as the “submissive” one. For some there is a real sense of sexual excitement and for others this type of S&M role-playing is a way to act out fantasies and maybe act out some of your personality challenges.

S&M paraphernalia and props that might be used include chains, whips, bondage collars, spiked jewelry and studs.

What is most important here is that participants are free to choose and that you have the absolute consent of both partners before trying it.

Before engaging in any S&M (or any type of sexual expression) you should always ask yourself the following questions: 1) Why have I decided to sexually express myself at this time and with this person? 2) Is this type of behavior acceptable in my value system? and 3) What do I need to know about this behavior to protect myself and make it satisfying?

If you are comfortable with your answers, it’s still a good idea to talk about your personal limits and boundaries of what you are and are not willing to do. You should always plan to have an “escape” gesture, word or phrase that when uttered or given during any S&M, or sexual encounter, will stop what is happening immediately with no questions or hesitations.

As far as whether it is normal or not, well that is really a matter for you to decide based on how you feel once you have the facts and have asked yourself the questions.

From the research, I can tell you there are a fair number of people who do choose to engage in S&M, although there will be many who read this who will judge this behavior as not acceptable for them, and that is their right.

If you should decide you are not comfortable with role playing and S&M, you should tell your partner and then suggest other ways the two of you may move forward. A good exercise you may want to try is to have both of you separately write down your idea of an “enchanted evening” on a piece of paper and then exchange with each other. You may be pleasantly surprised.

Either way, I wish you the best and hope you can find some common ground on which to expand your relationship.

Peace love dove!

— Dr. D

Dennis Martell, Ph.D., is a coordinator of Olin Health Education. E-mail him your questions at dennis.martell@ht.msu.edu.

Published on Monday, October 15, 2007