Personal needs trump genocide in U.S. minds
Drew Winter
I’ve lost my iPod and my cell phone before. It wasn’t pretty. But worse, I think, was losing both of my hands.
Believe me, it’s a tough call.
Going without a phone makes me feel utterly disconnected from the world around me.
I can’t text message my friends, play Tetris in class, or check my e-mail on the bus. Losing my cell phone really hurt me with the ladies, too. An LG Chocolate is the poor man’s Ferrari, and girls know a guy frequently flipping out an expensive piece of electronic equipment has the goods.
I shouldn’t have to tell you what it’s like trying to date without a cell phone – getting numbers is the least of the problems. Being unable to text cuts out the crucial first stages of a contemporary relationship where you’re endlessly text messaging four- and five-word notes to each other.
“SUP?”
“NMU?”
“Headin 2 Strbx. Just 8.”
You know, getting to know each other.
The iPod was even worse, since I couldn’t have my own soundtrack during every minute of my life.
I never before realized how much I need Guns N’ Roses to psych me up for my workout, or The Postal Service to give me that hip stride in my walk to class.
I listen to “NHL Results, News and Rumors” to stay informed. Occasionally “Real Sports” with Bryant Gumbel, even though my friends say it’s not real sports news.
But still, I can’t help but think that being unable to play the guitar, climb a ladder, and shake someone’s hand without them freaking out, is probably a bigger loss. My “Halo” ranking has plummeted, and I often fall flat on my face trying to do push-ups.
My girlfriend broke up with me a few weeks after I got out of the hospital. Not because of my handicap, but because I can’t drive her around without hooking myself to the steering wheel.
To be fair, it’s not as bad as it sounds.
I have a pair of metal hooks now that allow me to pinch items, and with much labor and often spilling, bring them to my mouth or pass them to uneasy co-workers and classmates.
And hopefully, the pace of technological improvements in artificial limbs will eventually catch up to personal electronic devices, so I can afford some that don’t make me look like a pirate with opposable clips.
That’s consumer-driven technology for ya!
How selfish would it be for me to demand that more money be allocated to giving me the ability to tie my shoes when there’s so many people out there who can’t have a good jog without 30 gigabytes of Peter Frampton?
It would be really great to play pool again, but I’ve gotten a lot better at poker. The only downside is that throwing chips is a pain.
Don’t even get me started on typing on a keyboard – I imagine it’s like working a cash register when you’re a woman with those obscenely long fingernails.
When you think about it, hands aren’t all that great anyway. Almost everybody has them, so they’re not very special. You can’t watch “Da Ali G Show” on your palm, or use your fingers to talk to your friends while driving.
Can you count on one hand the number of times those silly extensions on your wrists have knocked over a friend’s drink at the bar? I know I can’t.
All in all, life is tough no matter what. Midterms, breakups, genocide – they’re all weighty slices of our problems on this topsy-turvy planet, right? Since I can’t throw my hands in the air, I’ll just shrug, and say “Well, that’s life.”
I guess my advice to others is just to stay focused on the good things. Sure, I lost both my hands, but I have two other things that make my life a lot easier: a kick-ass cell phone and a state-of-the-art MP3 player.
And in this day and age, those are about as difficult to live without.
Drew Robert Winter is a State News columnist and a journalism and English senior. Reach him at winterdr@msu.edu.
Published on Monday, April 14, 2008
Comments
marmot
04/14/08 @ 8:58pm
did you really lose your hands, or you are just trying to make a point?
gary
04/14/08 @ 9:19pm
clearly he lost his hands…poor guy!
Pete
04/14/08 @ 10:04pm
I’m sorry, the sarcasm or satire was lost on me. What’s the point?
Johnny To
04/14/08 @ 11:05pm
Poor guy. I think he really lost his hands… Cause he obviously wrote this article with his feet :-p
J. Edward Tremlett
04/14/08 @ 11:32pm
I think this was either a case of a really bad headline, or a really sideways point.
He’s got a point, though. It’s hard to complain about not having a cell phone to someone who needs to eat with hooks.
Fredrik
04/15/08 @ 2:11am
hahah, great article! satire at its best, relentless!
eg
04/15/08 @ 7:47am
I understand the satire, and I understand the point, but this is a very insulting column. Not because of the argument that the author weakly makes, but because he is not physically disabled yet uses the premise of disability to serve his own views/agenda and to make jokes (Fredrik laughed).
“It’s hard to complain about not having a cell phone to someone who needs to eat with hooks.” Yes, Edward, and it’s hard to complain about not having hands to someone without legs. And it’s hard to complain about not having legs to someone who had his entire family murdered in front of him. Are you and Mr. Winter the arbiters of what is and is not appropriate to complain about? Where is the threshold?
eg
04/15/08 @ 7:53am
Another question: Does the fact that I’ve been in a wheelchair most of my life absolve me from concerns of genocide in different parts of the world? Surely living with non-functioning legs is more difficult than living without hands.
The author’s point could have (and should have) been made differently.
Dan
04/15/08 @ 8:22am
I wasn’t impressed with this article.
The peanut gallery
04/15/08 @ 8:27am
Bejaysus folks. Can’t you ever be happy?
Everyone on this board bitches and moans when columnists write asinine columns about cell phones and ipods. This guy tries to point out that same asininity (yes, I made up that word,) and you bitch and moan about that, too!
Good god folks. whattaya want? Maybe you’ll should come wake and bake with me. It might chill you all out.
Whatever
04/15/08 @ 10:23am
Dear Drew Robert Winter,
I have a column crush on you.
J. Edward Tremlett
04/15/08 @ 10:32am
“Are you and Mr. Winter the arbiters of what is and is not appropriate to complain about? Where is the threshold?”
Er, I wasn’t saying anything about what is or is not appropriate to complain about at all.
Nice attitude you got there.
The Champ
04/15/08 @ 11:11am
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Benjy Compson
04/15/08 @ 11:15am
“I wasn’t saying anything about what is or is not appropriate to complain about at all.”
“It’s hard to complain about not having a cell phone to someone who needs to eat with hooks.”
The poster’s view may have been extreme, but not wrong. Why do you always try to condescendingly insult people who disagree with you?
Benjy Compson
04/15/08 @ 11:25am
Sorry, what I should have said is “The poster’s view may have been extreme, but your reply isn’t really accurate.” At least based on my reading of this page.
wow
04/15/08 @ 4:32pm
This is no doubt a pretty stupid and pointless column.
Seriously, it had nothing to do with genocide. I agree with the headline. But the rest of the article mentions genocide only once.
But then again, that’s not Drew’s fault. He didn’t make the headline. SN, get a new copy editor, the headline should have read: “Personal needs trump awareness of plight of people with disabilities in U.S. minds.”
J. Edward Tremlett
04/15/08 @ 6:44pm
“I wasn’t saying anything about what is or is not appropriate to complain about at all.”
“It’s hard to complain about not having a cell phone to someone who needs to eat with hooks.”
‘The poster’s view may have been extreme, but not wrong.’
No, Benjy, it was wrong.
See, if I was talking about whether it was appropriate to complain, and acting as an arbiter of morals and ethics, the sentence would have read something like “Only a really insensitive jerkfaced toad-fucking moron would have the infernal temerity to complain about not having a cell phone to someone who, having hooks for hands, would have a hard time using a cell phone in the first place. Such a person should be fed to space maggots.”
Did I say any such thing? No, I didn’t. I just stated what should be obvious to anyone with anything approaching a sense of decency: it’s hard to complain about not having an convenience to someone who clearly suffers a severe inconvenience. Like whining about not getting dessert to some kid who is genuinely starving, for example.
‘Why do you always try to condescendingly insult people who disagree with you?’
That’s not true, either. I don’t “always” condescendingly insult people I disagree with. I only mock idiots who deserve to be mocked, liars pushing a hidden agenda, or the latest sock puppet being utilized by some clown who doesn’t have the decency to sign anything approaching his real name.
That said, I can count the number of decent – which is to say even-tempered and intelligent – disagreements I’ve had with people on this forum on one hand and have fingers and a thumb left over.
poor taste
04/16/08 @ 1:32pm
This article (while making a point) is in extremely poor taste. There are any number of people out there that are confronted with any number of issues to deal in their lives. The columnist could easily have spoken with any one of them and reflected on their stories. Instead of talking about Arthur Ray Jr. or any other person that is confronted with terrible circumstances the author decided to be lazy and make up as trite a story as can be found.
Kacey
04/16/08 @ 11:59pm
It will never cease to amuse and frustrate me how many people will continually post on every article ever single thing wrong with it and not even acknowledge the point of it or the truth in it.
YET!!! They never get up and write one for themselves.
Why do you bother to read something if you aren’t even going to give it any critical thought at all?
anon
04/17/08 @ 12:52pm
seriously drew, i know you personally and i would never consider you a funny guy yet you keep trying to make your poor points with humor and fail miserably. try doing some research (that isn’t one-sided, which you also seem to favor) to actually make a point in your columns. all you do is poorly attempt satire and bitch and moan a lot.
oh yeah and i think this is the first thing you’ve ever written that doesn’t have at least one line about animal cruelty.