Dueling columns: MSU/Michigan football reporters face-off
Spartans are cut above U-M football team
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Jacob Carpenter
There’s an old saying that you’re never supposed to kick a dog when it’s down.
Whoever coined that phrase never said anything about Wolverines.
There is plenty of ammunition with which to launch an insult assault against the Michigan Wolverines this season, but I’m going to take the high road (I-96, not U.S. 23) in this annual tradition of bashing each other’s team.
I will not say one bad word about Michigan fans or the football program in this space.
I know the fans in Ann Arbor are all-consumed by their beloved Wolverines, so I’m going to tell you a little bit about what’s going on in East Lansing with the MSU football team:
The Spartans have a winning record (6-2 overall, 3-1 Big Ten) after two-thirds of the season. It started with a close road loss at Pac-10 foe California, which was disheartening but somewhat expected given the game was a season opener on the West Coast.
MSU followed up the loss by BEATING A MID-AMERICAN CONFERENCE TEAM, shutting out a pesky Florida Atlantic squad in a downpour and CRUSHING NOTRE DAME to finish the nonconference schedule.
After three consecutive Big Ten victories — Indiana, Iowa and Northwestern — to start the conference season, the Spartans ran into the buzz saw of Terrelle Pryor, Chris “Beanie” Wells and the dominant Ohio State defense last week (you’ll get to know all of them soon enough).
MSU is led by a RELIABLE QUARTERBACK, Brian Hoyer, who has thrown only four interceptions while leading his team to BOWL ELIGIBILITY early in the season.
In the backfield, the Spartans boast a stockpile of RUNNING BACKS WHO HAVEN’T BEEN ARRESTED THIS YEAR, led by senior Doak Walker Award candidate Javon Ringer. The VETERAN OFFENSIVE LINE has helped pave the way for Ringer to rack up 1,179 rushing yards and 14 touchdowns in just eight games while giving Hoyer ample time to hit his relatively young group of wide receivers.
The constantly improving MSU defense has been up-and-down, with strong performances against Florida Atlantic, Notre Dame and Iowa and less-than-stellar outings against California, Indiana and Ohio State.
(It looks like the Wolverines are experiencing the same yo-yo effect on defense with a solid showing against Wisconsin but collapses at the hands of Illinois and Penn State).
On special teams, the Spartans boast Brett Swenson, an IMPRESSIVE KICKER WHO DOESN’T CHOKE and has connected on 15 straight kicks after missing his first of the season, and NORMALLY NAMED PUNTER Aaron Bates, who has routinely pinned opponents inside their own 5-yard line all season.
Roaming the sidelines is Mark Dantonio, A CLASSY COACH leading one of the best up-and-coming teams in the country.
Dantonio displayed his integrity at MSU even before he arrived in East Lansing; he DIDN’T SCREW OVER HIS FORMER EMPLOYER before coming to MSU, choosing to wait until the end of Cincinnati’s season prior to interviewing with MSU officials for the head coaching position.
According to players and recruits, Dantonio and his coaches have instilled a solid foundation of FAMILY VALUES while taking the team to a BOWL GAME IN THE STAFF’S FIRST SEASON.
In recruiting, Dantonio and his assistants have hit the Midwest hard, RESPECTING THE IN-STATE PROSPECTS that are the basis of slug-it-out Big Ten football.
The Spartans have snagged 16 recruits for a top-15 class of 2008 (which puts them in the same class as U-M this season).
The MSU football program appears to be HEADED IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION, and a win in Ann Arbor on Saturday should continue its ascension to the top of the Big Ten.
Just like the Wolverines program, right?
Jacob Carpenter is a football reporter for The State News. Hate mail can be sent to carpe219@msu.edu, but there shouldn’t be any hate mail, since nothing bad was said about Michigan.
Commentary
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jp
(10/24/08 1:39am)Report
U of M people are such pompous butts. most don’t have any affliation with any Big 10 university though. U of M is lucky to have their wal-mart fans…..you can keep em in ANn arbor, we don’t want them here.
Jason B
(10/24/08 8:52am)Report
It’s unbelievable how many people I know that call UfoM “their school” or “their team” when talking about sports, but they never went there and have a degree from a different school. It’s like all the yankees and cowboys and patriots fans, they pick a team that’s doing good at the time and all of sudden it’s “their team.” Pathetic.
Make it Seven
(10/24/08 10:13am)Report
“I was just laughing. I thought it was funny. They got excited. Sometimes you get your little brother excited when you’re playing basketball and you let him get the lead. Then you just come and take it back.”
—Mike Hart on Nov. 3, 2007
As much as you try to escape it, Hart has you all figured out, Michigan State. You can run from the truth all you want, but everything you do screams “little brother.”
You’re little brother because the only comeback Mark Dantonio could think of was to call Hart short.
You’re little brother because Chad Henne doesn’t rhyme with douchebag.
You’re little brother because of Braylon Edwards.
You’re little brother because football, not basketball, is America’s favorite college sport.
You’re little brother because “your” biggest win last year was by a I-AA school.
You’re little brother because John L. Smith slapped himself.
You’re little brother because you planted a flag in South Bend, then fought Illinois for doing it to you.
You’re little brother because Sportsline.com’s Dennis Dodd listed Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio (along with coaches from Temple, Cincinnati and Brigham Young) before the season as “coaches who will soon have big-time jobs.”
You’re little brother because you’re the lowest-rated school academically in the Big Ten.
You’re little brother because you’re too dumb to care.
You’re little brother because when your plans to copy the historic success of Michigan football went up in flames against Ohio State on Saturday, you (allegedly) tried to emulate the Wolverines’ (alleged) football player-on-hockey player violence.
You’re little brother because you probably don’t know what emulate means.
You’re little brother because your girls’ fake tans, sloppy blonde dye-jobs and low standards don’t mean they’re that hot.
You’re little brother because you can’t be a great party school and charge five dollars for a cup.
You’re little brother because the University of Chicago has more Big Ten football titles than you do.
You’re little brother because your inferiority complex is so big that “smash right through that line of blue” and “Michigan is weakening” were lines in your original fight song.
You’re little brother because you had a clock counting down the seconds until the Michigan game months before the game time was decided.
You’re little brother because after all the clock hype, you lost anyway.
You’re little brother because rioting and couch burning are the highlights of your college years.
You’re little brother because you don’t understand that jokes like “What does a Michigan State grad call a Michigan grad? Boss.” can’t be reversed, so you do it anyway.
You’re little brother because you were giddy with your football team’s 7-6 record last season, which would have been the Wolverines’ worst in 23 years.
You’re little brother because you’ve tried to replace a 111-year tradition of mediocrity with clips from “300.”
You’re little brother because you take being favored against Michigan as a victory in itself.
You’re little brother because, deep down, you know your annual collapse is just beginning.
You’re little brother because six straight will become seven on Saturday.
Now, before you flood my inbox with poorly written letters, let’s take care of a couple likely complaints.
“But Michigan State is better at basketball.”
Like I wrote above — and I know you have trouble reading — football, not basketball, is America’s favorite college sport. Let me know when you get the 75,000 people who attend your football games to go to a basketball game, let alone the 110,000 that pack the Big House.
“I got into Michigan and Michigan State and chose Michigan State because it’s better.”
You’re lying.
StateAluminMi
(10/24/08 10:53am)Report
“Make it seven” . . . your creativity overwhelms me. You must be as sharp as an antique butter knife.
breaking the streak
(10/24/08 11:02am)Report
And yet you still have no degree from UofM. That is probably why you had SO much time to type up that “thesis” of yours. unemployed or think you have something to prove? Bigger brothers are always bigger douches anyway.
Townsend
(10/24/08 11:27am)Report
Yo Jacob,
the UM writer just trashed our University and called everybody who attends/attended there the “bottom of the Big 10, academically” and “… too dumb to care,” and your only comeback is to try and trash their football team that has beaten us 6 straight times?? … ah, not too bright; you tend to prove Dan Feldman’s point.
MEH
(10/24/08 12:26pm)Report
Please, all the U-M writer had to offer was recycled jokes that stopped being funny a long time ago. Jacob’s column is funny, clever and actually talks about what’s happening THIS year, as opposed to relying on old one-liners. He wins.
you're stupid
(10/24/08 12:27pm)Report
The entire point of the articles was to talk about FOOTBALL, all Feldman could do was to refer to old Msu/UM jokes to compensate for their LACK of a football team this year. Jacob did what he was supposed to do, dumbass
msu alum
(10/24/08 1:31pm)Report
Make it Seven, Congratulations on mastering the art of copying and pasting. Your parents must be ridiculously proud of you.
Make it Seven's Parents
(10/24/08 4:13pm)Report
Wee r prood o’‘im! ‘Is copin’ skillz r betta tan urs!
Rob
(10/24/08 4:30pm)Report
Yes, Townsend, he did prove Feldman’s point. That point being that UM fans are afraid they are going to lose this weekend so they hide behind, not only the past, but their insults that have nothing to do with football.
in closing: michigan fan are arrogant pricks :D
Townsend
(10/24/08 5:19pm)Report
“The entire point of the articles was to talk about FOOTBALL, all Feldman could do was to refer to old Msu/UM jokes to compensate for their LACK of a football team this year. Jacob did what he was supposed to do, dumbass”
You’re stupid, you’re a total moron. Where do you live, under a rock? If ANYONE ever thinks this rivalry is ONLY about football, you’re really to stupid to even converse with.
1wolverines
(10/24/08 10:20pm)Report
You’re little brother because you’re the lowest-rated school academically in the Big Ten.
You’re little brother because you’re too dumb to care.
You’re little brother because when your plans to copy the historic success of Michigan football went up in flames against Ohio State on Saturday, you (allegedly) tried to emulate the Wolverines’ (alleged) football player-on-hockey player violence.
You’re little brother because you probably don’t know what emulate means.
1wolverines
(10/24/08 10:30pm)Report
If I write in RANDOM CAPITAL BOLD because this TEXTBOX doesn’t have HTML functionality">LETTERS, maybe everyone will think I AM SMARTER. And a BETTER WRITER. And more gifted at JOURNALISM.
Or not.
Feldman’s column was funny. It was trash talk. It poked fun at MSU stereotypes. It pumped up Michigan fans. It was exactly what a dueling column ought to be.
Quit freaking out just because your columnist decided to write a serious, boring column.
On another note: You can major in packaging and supply chain management at State? So you can apply to secretary school and the FedEx Academy?
jp
(10/25/08 12:20am)Report
1wolverine – our supply chain management program is #2 in the country….2nd only to MIT. A lot of years, we’re actually #1, it switches from year to year. Michigan State basically invented the whole concept of supply chain management, thanks to Don Bowersox, who is a genius in the field…..who went to MSU! and if supply chain was such a stupid major to get, why is U of M investing a lot of money right now to make it a valid undergrad degree at their precious university?? right now, supply chain is a graduate degree course at u of m! you can sign up for the bargain price of $5200!! such a bargain to take an inferior course with inferior teaching. http://execed.bus.umich.edu/Programs/Supply-Chain-Management.aspx
and you don’t think that packaging is important??? (MSU is #1 in the nation for it) everything anyone buys in the world is packaged for travel, wear/tear, aesthetics, etc. If you think it is nothing more than “uh, put it in a box with some styrofoam so it work break” you’re not very intelligent.
if you’re SO smart, maybe you would have reasearched your blog a little before posting idiotic things.
you're stupid
(10/25/08 12:28am)Report
Townsend, Of course the rivalry is not just about football, but this saturday is!! For once, we’re actually having a much better year than michigan is this year, so why wouldn’t you want to focus on the football??
For calling me stupid, you used the wrong “to”, so you’re the dumbass, you incredible moron
Jack
(10/25/08 2:18pm)Report
I like how the only comments U of M people made, was just copied and pasted from Feldman’s column. Way to go.
Townsend
(10/25/08 3:35pm)Report
1wolverines, you might also try Nuclear Physics where MSU is also ranked #2 to MIT, and that’s only in US News…
Bleu Haus
(10/25/08 6:48pm)Report
1wolverines, secretaries don’t design packaging and FedEx’s 2007 net income was over $2 bil. Packaging and SCM are both specialized and lucrative fields. I’m just sort of mystified by your comment.
Score update: 35-21