Community copes with grief after MSU-related deaths
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For friends of Josh Parks, a kinesiology sophomore who died Wednesday, coming together to share memories has been one of the most effective ways to deal with grief, friend Linda Venema said.
“I think it helps that you’re not alone,” said Venema, a social work sophomore.
With three MSU-related deaths last week and at least seven deaths this semester, students might be left wondering how to cope with the sadness that accompanies the loss of a friend, colleague or professor.
People often struggle to express grief — to admit they’re still hurting, to bring it up to friends — because of a fear of making others uncomfortable, said Scott Becker, associate director at the MSU Counseling Center.
“The modern idea is that you have a funeral one day and then go back to work the next day, cry for a couple days and then feel better,” he said. “But it’s normal for grief to take months or even longer.”
And students should not feel they need to move on or put the past behind them, he said, as the goal should be not to let go of the person, but to keep them close.
“If you cared about the person, why would you let go and move on?” Becker said.
For Venema, Parks remains a part of her life in the pictures she has hung in her room, a cell phone banner that reads, “I love you Josh Parks,” and in memories, such as the time they camped for the Notre Dame football game.
“The cliché is the stages of grieving: denial, anger … and then eventually accepting it,” said Gary Stollak, MSU psychology professor emeritus.
“The process is really one in which we remember this person. Hopefully we have a memory with that person — a laugh shared, or just the way they laughed. We have a duty and a responsibility to remember and share.”
This grieving process is an important part of life, not something to be ignored or avoided, he said. This applies
until the process interrupts daily life — attending classes, learning, laughing and finding joy in life, he
said.
Students should look for support wherever they feel most comfortable, whether it’s a church group, a friend or a professor, Becker said. And the MSU Counseling Center, 207 Student Services, offers students the option of meeting with a counselor free of charge.
“This helps people not get stuck, which can happen when people try to deal with grief alone,” Becker said. “You put it away in a box or you bury it and it can come up later. This is a way to address it.
“With grief, you can’t fix it, you don’t really need to say, ‘Well, look at the bright side.’ You just kind of need to make space for it, let it be what it is.”
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