And we beat those stinkin’ commies to it.

Since the Soviet Union and United States never were able to fight directly against each other during the Cold War — as foretold by the 1983 Matthew Broderick classic “War Games” — both governments were able to manufacture some superficial competitions of strength. For a variety a reasons, most of these battles revolved around how effectively one side could kill. Occasionally, death was just a side effect and not a goal. The Space Race was the noble, intelligent way to trounce the people who had different beliefs then us.

Which is why, as an admirer of the Cold War and an American citizen, I feel obligated to inform you — the loyal opinion column reader — patriotism has gotten in the way of good judgement. The U.S. lost the Space Race.

And it wasn’t even close.

The trip to the moon is considered to be finish line to the marathon, but that’s only because Americans decided it was. The moon is the closest body to Earth, so all things considered, it was the least NASA could have done. I’ll grant that it was a sizeable feat, but it was only one of a few victories that the U.S. saw during the competition for galactic supremacy.

The USSR launched the first satellite into orbit, put the first satellite on the moon, was the first to put a man into space, first to put a man into orbit, first to put a woman into space, had the first person to eat in space, the first space walk, had the first casualty from a space flight, and in 1988 they built a shuttle that could launch, orbit, navigate and then land all through computer programming. Literally, the Russians could send people into space without having to teach them how to fly first. Yeah, these guys are the ones who lost the Space Race.

The U.S.’s orbital accomplishments seem more like entries to the “Guinness Book of World Records” than great accomplishments. Aside from the moon landing, the only major record the U.S. has is the oldest person in orbit. Perhaps in a few years NASA can call up that guy in India and we can add “longest fingernails in space” to the list, too.

John Glenn eats some applesauce in orbit and goes back 36 years later on a publicity trip and he’s celebrated as an icon. That, my friends, is an effective use of tax dollars. Billions of dollars spent to put an elderly guy in zero gravity, but elementary schools can’t afford books. Glad to see we have our priorities straight.

Other than establishing America as an alpha male, what really was accomplished by landing on the moon? We got some rocks, gathered some dust, left a flag, hit a golf ball and got some funny footage of the clunky astronauts falling over in light gravity — that’s about it. We were a dog that caught the car it was chasing: We’ve met our goal, but now we have no idea what to do with it.

This wasn’t the starting point to a new era of exploration, either. Since traveling to the lifeless rock circling our world, we’ve made a few return trips and then pretty much gave up. Mars is a pipe dream — former President George W. Bush’s pipe dream, specifically — and no serious attempt has ever been made to go back to the moon. It’s certainly inspired Hollywood, but it doesn’t seem to have inspired NASA.

I don’t intend to diminish the accomplishments of people such as Neil Armstrong, because that’s already been done to a much greater degree. An uncomfortably large portion of our country believes that the moon landing was a hoax, so at this point I think Armstrong would just be happy that I believe his story.

Since we’re Americans, what we’ve been told about our past has been greatly romanticized. Christopher Columbus behaved like a tyrant and didn’t discover America, George Washington had slaves and we lost the Space Race to the Reds. It might go against the proud U.S. tale, but the facts speak for themselves.

And no amount of geriatric space cadets are going to convince me otherwise.

_Ian Johnson is the State News opinion writer. Reach him at john2806@msu.edu.