Making a transition
After years of searching, Toby Hemker understands who he truly is in life
Hemker traveled to California to receive a $10,000 chest reconstructive surgery.
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As Toby Hemker sat in his MSU psychology class in 2004, flipping through his textbook, he stumbled across an excerpt on gender identity disorder that changed his life. He sat in the classroom for 10 minutes after his class had ended staring at the book, overwhelmed by what he had read.
“I (was) like, ‘Oh, my God. That’s me. There are people like me,’” the 26-year-old said.
Toby, currently a Japanese senior, is one of a small number of transgender students at MSU, a number that MSU’s LBGT Resource Center Interim Director Deanna Hurlbert said she thinks likely is proportional to the 1 percent of transgender people in the global population.
Growing up in a small, conservative, Michigan town, Toby said he had never heard the word “transgender” until he was 22 years old and already was in the process of transitioning from female to male.
Last Sunday marked the International Transgender Day of Remembrance, and MSU students and faculty gathered for a candlelight vigil at the rock on Farm Lane. They spoke of the vital need to reach out and inform people about the issues that come with being transgender.
Photo: Japanese senior ...
Video: Making a transition ...
And for Toby, more than most, college has been about trying to understand and discover the very essence of who he is.
Growing up girl
While in the womb, it is believed Toby absorbed his twin and, as a result, was born with both male and female sexual organs.
Saying his parents always had wanted a girl, Toby said his parents decided to have his male sexual organs removed and raise their child as a daughter, but as he grew up, he never felt quite right.
“When I was 12 or 13, I started really daydreaming about how cool it would be if I was a guy,” he said. “I would pray every night, ‘God help me wake up a boy,’ and it didn’t often happen.”
Yet despite having these feelings for some time, Toby didn’t understand what they meant.
At 19, Toby began seeing a psychiatrist in Ann Arbor and decided he wanted to undergo gender reassignment surgery.
After countless surgeries, meetings with doctors across the country and thousands of dollars spent, Toby began the process of becoming a man.
The surgery to remove his breasts left his chest numb for four years and his hysterectomy was so painful he remained on Vicodin for months.
Years later there are still treatments he has to undergo to maintain his gender.
“After surgery I would take pain killers for the first two days and then stop even if I was still in pain,” he said. “I gave myself a weekly shot of 100 milligrams of testosterone, and I will for the rest of my life.”
Finding acceptance
Even with all the physical scars beginning to heal, the emotional ones still remained.
Coming out as transgender to his Catholic mother was difficult. Toby said she wrote to Franciscan monks asking for help.
He said she was told that because transgender and intersex people aren’t mentioned in the Bible, it was OK to leave it up to Toby to make up his mind, and God would point him in the right direction.
“I think that’s kind of nice I got a Biblical loophole,” he said. “But when I came out as being gay, that was a completely different story.”
Toby realized after his surgery that he was attracted to other men, something his mother couldn’t accept.
When he was younger, Toby’s mother often recited her unconditional love for her child — even if he was gay.
But when he finally told her the truth, he was met with dead silence.
His mom offered to take him to a psychiatrist, psychologist, neurologist — even an exorcist — to be “cured” of his sexuality.
“And I go, ‘Mom did you just say exorcist?’” Toby said. “And she said, ‘Whatever it takes.’”
New life
Looking back on his life, Toby describes it as a roller coaster.
After struggling to become the person he knew was inside, he’s finally reached a contentment with himself. His mother has accepted him — he hopes his father will come around — but the stabilizing force in his life has been the friendships he’s made at MSU.
Linguistics senior Crystal Cook began living with Toby before he transitioned to a man and said the process has brought them closer together.
They remain roommates, and after being at his side during surgery and helping him with his first few shots of testosterone, Cook said she considers Toby her best friend.
“Most of my family has met him, (and) the most awkward thing was telling my family I live with a guy,” she said. “But after meeting him, they haven’t had any problems.”
Toby said he has now reached a point where he is at peace with who he is.
He no longer worries about trying to hide who he is and has come to terms with the understanding that if people can’t accept him for who he is, they aren’t people he wants in his life.
“I don’t really see any point in trying to hide,” he said. “If someone’s going to discriminate against me because I’m transgender they’re not a person I want in my life, and if an employer doesn’t want to hire me, that’s a place I don’t want to work.”
No longer does he worry about the way he looks — if his face looks too “girly,” the fact that he has no Adam’s apple or if he’s masculine enough.
He just likes the way he is.
“You stop thinking about passing,” he said. “When you’re (transgender) you forget this wasn’t always my body.”
After speaking at the candlelight vigil Sunday, Hurlbert said transitioning from one gender to another can be difficult for people to understand, even if they are well educated and have good intentions.
“The greatest challenge on our campus for transgendered people is the lack of education and awareness,” she said. “(Transgender) students still fear of families response, fear of rejection, but more than that, I think transgender people fear violence and assault.”
For Toby, now 26 years old, he said he has been pleasantly surprised by how accepting people have been of him and his story, but the process of self discovery isn’t complete.
“For most of my childhood, I assumed that I was going to meet some tragic end before I turned 18 because I couldn’t … picture (myself) as a gender (I) didn’t belong in,” he said. “I kind of feel like, right now, I’m just beginning to figure out who I am as an adult and a person.”
Commentary
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Steve
(11/22/11 9:03am)Report
Why is this on the front page of the State News? I mean go ahead and do what you want but this is kind of disturbing and gross. I don’t care that she/he did it but I really don’t want to read about it. Whatever happened to keeping things to ourselves and not caring what others thought? I don’t understand why the student newspaper is shoving someone elses life choices down my throat. I bet they wouldn’t do a write up on some evangelical and how they found Christ and how that transformed their life. Kind of hypocritical if you ask me. Lets keep these stories not only family friendly but also community oriented not individually oriented.
Anonymous
(11/22/11 9:19am)Report
“I don’t understand why the student newspaper is shoving someone elses life choices down my throat.”
It’s to open the minds of people like you.
Lucasta
(11/22/11 9:39am)Report
@ Steve: when you said, “I bet they wouldn’t do a write up on some evangelical and how they found Christ and how that transformed their life,” how could you forget the whole Kirk Cousins hullaballoo? So quit spouting the tired rhetoric of how Christians are so persecuted, because not only is it a lie, it’s completely beside the point of the article.
I applaud the State News for featuring this story, which is family friendly and community oriented. And good luck, Toby! You’re a very brave & talented man.
Emily
(11/22/11 10:15am)Report
I know Toby and he is a wonderful person, very open, funny, and sweet. I am glad that the paper did this article and could give a face to transgender people, a group of people I don’t think we have had enough exposure to. It is a fascinating and confusing topic, and what confuses us can make us scared. If we can see that people with “alternative lifestyles” are no different than us, our world is on its way to being a better place. I <3 you Toby and applaud your courage to come out and do this!
Doug
(11/22/11 11:00am)Report
Toby, thanks for sharing your story. Good luck on the rest of your journey.
@Steve
(11/22/11 11:08am)Report
Did someone strap you into a chair and make you read it Clockwork Orange style? I’ll tell you the same thing I told all the people who whined and complained about the Kirk Cousins campaign: You’re at a university, you’re going to be exposed to ideas that make you uncomfortable. Deal with it.
@Lucasta I know right? Some people have very short memories.
Townsend
(11/22/11 11:33am)Report
This is a very tasteful, thoughtful article. Hopefully, documenting the trials and victories of someone like Toby can open the minds of others, esp heterosexuals, who may have some confusion. Understanding and acceptance is critical…
… trying to reach backwards, close-minded jerks like Steve is impossible. I’m so disappointed MSU has so many idiots like this floating around. You’d expect this garbage from a grade-schooler, not someone of college age. People like Steve make me ashamed to be associated with MSU… I’m uplifted, though, with people like (writer) Josh Mansour and the SN for giving this fine article such prominence… Also, as the article notes, most of the MSU community is open, supportive and friendly — the traits that make MSU great (not people like Steve)…
Best of luck, Toby!
@Steve
(11/22/11 2:53pm)Report
I find your comment disgusting and gross. Your pathetic, narrow-minded view of the world will only come back to bite you on the butt later in your life. I’m curious to know what you would do if your boss was part of the LGBT community…would you tell them that they’re “disgusting and gross”?
Like previous posters, did you completely skip the two-week controversy about Kirk Cousins, in this newspaper??
Fantastic article.
well honestly,
(11/22/11 4:22pm)Report
I disagree with steve, but ya I think we could have done without the chest shot… Next time I have major surgery I’ll be sure to send in a pic to the SN!
@Well honestly,
(11/22/11 5:21pm)Report
You have to admit that that is something people would be curious about. There is nothing wrong with the picture. It’s just an average male chest with a scar.
Layna
(11/23/11 12:12am)Report
Thanks State News for doing a feature on a brave, unique MSU student! We could use more eye-opening articles like this one. Unfortunately, many State students still need to be educated on this topic.
Toby
(12/02/11 3:26pm)Report
Hi! Thank you to all of you nice, supportive people. Thank you to Steve too. “I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it.”
Also, thank you to SN for this story. It was a little scary, but in the end I’m glad.
There were a couple of factual errors and my parents are much more supportive than they come across in the article, but it was very well written and I appreciate it :)
But I must confess…. the truth is, I’m not actually a man. The only reason that I spent thousands of dollars on surgery and medication, put myself in a position to be alienated and ostracized…was so that one day, I could feel the satisfaction of knowing that somewhere, STEVE of MSU is thinking about MY NIPPLE. :)
rita hemker
(12/02/11 6:29pm)Report
Wow I just read more of the article and I have to say there are some exaggerations here. I have NEVER stopped unconditionally loving my son Toby. I was concerned and shocked at the gay part but the love has never stopped and he knows that as we are best friends and he has been my main support throughout a long and painful illness. And, as I keep reminding him, if I ever said ‘exorcist’ it was as a joke. This article makes us parents look like barbarians or worse. Toby has never been anything but a great blessing to me and I love him more everyday and am proud to be his Mom! He is one of the bravest, smartest men I know. He has been my rock throughout my own painful battle. There has never been a son who has shown his mother more love. I wish the article could have focused more on Toby’s most wonderful qualities of generosity and standing up for the sick and the abused.
rita hemker
(12/02/11 9:20pm)Report
To the person who complained the paper would never talk about a Christian’s life and struggles I hasten to add that Toby is still a Catholic Christian. (Sorry to out you there, son. I hope you don’t take too much flak for being a Christian :-)
Toby
(12/03/11 8:22am)Report
Mom: Don’t worry, there were just some misunderstandings and it’s all being sorted out. The gentleman who wrote the article did not at all intend to make you look bad. I’m very glad to be your best friend :) And I’m not ashamed to be a Christian.
rita hemker
(12/05/11 5:39pm)Report
Thanks, Toby! And please remind him that we didn’t cut off any of your body parts at birth since there wasn’t anything there to cut off! You looked like a perfect little girl baby. And now you are my perfect grown up son :-)